‘I felt shame that my body didn’t work how I wanted it to’ – my struggles to conceive and making peace with it

In a candid and honest Celebrating Women in Dentistry article, Nina Farmer opens up about her struggles to conceive and how she has learnt to make peace with the journey.

Please tell us a bit about how you got into dentistry

Twenty one years ago I started working as a dental nurse and I loved it from the start, I knew from the start that one day I wanted to have my own patients. I acquired all the qualifications needed to be considered for a place at dental school.

Once I got my dental nursing qualification, I spent five years collecting post qualifications and work experience to strengthen my application.

I was then given a place at Sheffield Dental school and qualified as a dental therapist in 2013.

When did you decide to try for a child? How far had your career progressed at this time?

I wasn’t trying for a baby to start with – I got married in 2015 and fell pregnant in 2017 without trying. I was over the moon, and it was a very happy surprise as I always wanted a family. Unfortunately, three months later, I lost the baby.

After experiencing being pregnant and preparing myself to be a mother, I became desperate for it to happen again, but despite years of trying and private treatment, it never did.

I was two years into working as a full time dental therapist at this point, so even though I wasn’t at all far into that part of my career. But I had been working in dentistry for many years.

How do you field baby questions? Do you think it is insensitive to ask in this day and age?

I don’t mind people asking me anymore, there was a time when I found it harder, after a failed treatment or when I had just received the news that someone close to me had become pregnant.

Please note – I was never unhappy for them, just sad for me. I love all the children that are now around me dearly.

There is a way to ask though, I understand that at my age and at the time I was still married, so it’s kind of expected. But I do find it harder when someone puts their hand on your tummy and asks you if you are expecting, or they look at you in a room full of people and say: ‘Ooh are you expecting?’

It’s embarrassing for everyone involved, especially when you then answer and tell them that you are not.

Has it affected you personally and professionally?

Trying for a baby was one of the worst times of my life personally. In a people-facing role it can be hard to put on a brave face. It’s much easier, of course, when you love your job and you have a great team around you, but there were dark days for sure.

On a positive note, this journey with my fertility and hormonal health lead to me studying nutrition. I have always wanted to deepen my knowledge for my dental patients with nutrition and have a holistic approach, but this gave me the push that I needed.

I wanted to understand what was happening in my body and try and get some control with what was happening.

Since then, I have written and spoken about nutrition within dentistry and I have now been given the amazing opportunity to talk about hormones and oral health too, bringing both of my passions together.

If I hadn’t had this experience, I may not be where I am today – helping others and my patients.

I also find that a lot of my patients are going or have gone through similar experiences, and I find it easy to navigate conversations with them about it and give them additional support in my appointments with them.

What is the biggest misconception about women without children?

I think there are misconceptions about everyone, those that do have children and those that don’t. It took me some time to realise that mum’s also worry about being left out and not invited to things, they worry about being judged and getting left behind as they put their careers on hold too.

Personally, I felt shame that my body didn’t work in the way I wanted it to and it affected the way I felt about myself and my femininity too. It’s silly I know but that is how I felt, like I was broken somehow.

Would you or have you considered other options?

Yes, I would and I have, but my circumstances have changed somewhat now. I am very lucky to have three nephews and two nieces that I am very hands on with and I know they will need me as they grow.

The important thing for me now is to feel that it is now my decision to not have children. I turn 41 this year and I am getting close to having that decision made for me…physically.

There will always be a little baby shaped hole in my heart, but it is getting smaller, and I’m pretty much at peace with this decision now.

I talked about this decision with a friend recently and they said: ‘Wow how lucky are you to now have all this time to work on yourself and put yourself first, that is really exciting for you, I am excited for you.’

I couldn’t agree more, so I thought to myself, okay then, if this is my lot then I need to get the balance right and ensure that everything I am doing is fulfilling me.

Now, I really believe the path I am on is my destiny. It just wasn’t the one I thought it would be and it took a little time to accept it.

Have you reached out for any kind of support?

I haven’t, I have a very supportive family and friends and that helped to get me through the difficult times.

Do you think it’s important that this topic is discussed in dentistry? Why?

There has been a huge focus on mental health in dentistry, especially in the past couple of years.

I think we should be discussing important topics like this to support those on this journey, to support their wellbeing and mental/physical health and also to given other team members a better understanding.

Another way of looking at it is that stress and anxiety can impact fertility negatively and there are studies that support this. The body suppresses non-essential functions when in flight or fight mode (sympathetic nervous system).

So from my perspective, being able to talk about this and feel supported is a good thing for many reasons.

Sign up to the Celebrating Women in Dentistry Webinar where Linda Greenwall will chair a panel of leading dental professionals to discuss being a woman in dentistry.

Read more in our Celebrating Women in Dentistry series here.


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